SCENE: Carmin Electra leaps into the air and roundhouse kicks Jean-Claude Van Dam in the jaw

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. TransMorphers. Snakes on a Train (not making this up). These, my friends, are direct-to-DVD movies. Films written with the express intent of skipping the big screen and landing in a DVD player. They are, by and large, terrible. Although Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus had some hilarious moments, despite itself.

I’ve seen these movies hanging out in the DVD isle at my local Target and they got me thinking. Who writes this stuff? Somebody’s out there right now putting the finishing touches on a script about a man-eating amoeba running amuck in a sorority house. And they’ll get paid for doing it! The real question then isn’t “who’s writing this stuff;” it’s “how do I get on this gravy train?” Seriously, I could come up with an asinine concept and throw it in a script. I wouldn’t even charge much for it.

Hollywood screenwriters are well compensated, like in the tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars for a good script. Even if a direct-to-DVD screenwriter makes a couple grand for a script, that’s good money for an afternoons work.

If any direct-to-DVD producer is looking for fresh, young writing talent to pen his next Carmin Electra action movie, I’m available. And like your leading lady, I’m cheap. Holla at cha boy.


[I can't wait for the sequal! Even More Mega shark vs. Even Gianter Octopus. Starring the girl how played Xena's sister-in-law, and a guy who once bumped into Bruce Willis.]