The tool at the bottom of the pool.

The Summer Olympics were quite the spectacle. The world watched in awe as thousands of Chinese performers exclaimed “We welcome you friends” in a vaguely totalitarian tone. We chuckled when we learned the cute little girl that sang during the opening ceremony was actually lip syncing. She was the replacement because the little girl with the voice wasn’t “cute enough.” And we watched in nationalistic pride when American darling Michael Phelps destroyed everything that swam. He cut through the water like a cold war area torpedo all but inscribed with the moniker “If it ain’t blue it’s red.” Phelps was the hero of the Olympics.
I have to be honest; my tool radar began to light up as soon as I saw Phelps. There was just something about him that said to me, “This guy puts his baseball hats on backwards and goes to football games for the sole purpose of getting drunk and yelling obscenities at the opposing team.” And then the media began falling all over him. Every story was about Phelps and how awesome he was. Bob Costus was having a full on media love affair with Michael Phelps. When I voiced my opinion that Michael Phelps was indeed a tool of the first degree, many people thought I was attempting to tear down a hero.
Well my day of vindication has arrived. Pictures of Michael Phelps taking hits off a bong have recently surfaced (with his baseball hat backwards might I add. He’s a tool!). Mr. 8-gold-medals-million-dollar-endorsement-deal-Phelps released a statement saying he regretted his actions and was looking forward to dedicating his time to training for the next Summer Olympics. His sponsors gave him a slap on the wrist and offered words of encouragement. Go get em’ Mikey! Might I add a prediction? Michael Phelps won’t win a single gold medal at the next Summer Olympics. How can I make this prediction? Simple, tools don’t float—they sink.