Xeno-fast food possibilites

I haven’t traveled out of the country much. Compared to my older brother Aaron who is in a different country every other week, I haven’t even left my front porch yet. As a teenager I traveled to Japan for a week, when I was 18 I went to Peru with my family, and for my honey moon I explored Mexico. In my admittedly limited travel experience there has always been a single common denominator—McDonald’s. Personally I can’t think of another place I’d want to eat at less. That realization got me to thinking, what would fast food restaurants be like in say England, India, or Russia? The only fast food restaurants I remember seeing were all born in the USA—McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, and Pizza Hut. Our nation’s culinary ambassadors: a crazed clown, a voyeuristic King, a Coronel that looks like a guy that would have a “The South will rise again” bumper sticker on his model T, and a pizza soaked in a greasy pan (delicious, silky grease). What would an England born fast food restaurant look like? I have a neon sign with “Kippers Kidney Pies” emblazoned in green flashing lights and a cartoon character shepherd with a kidney pie in one hand, a fork in the other, and four teeth left in his ingratiated smile in my mind. That would probably fill a niche market in the States for sure. Or how about from India? I personally love Indian food. Imagine heading out to “Yo-Goa-urt Deserts” after a quick bite at Russian born “Borscht-A-Go-Go.” Nothing like some premium mass-produced bacteria cultures to chase down a hearty dinner of borscht.

I suppose we should be grateful that such venerable eateries as Taco Bell, Carl’s Jr., and Arby’s had their genesis in the good ol’ U S of A. No matter what the rest of the world says about us, they can’t deny the savory ubiquity that American fast food has brought to pass. It’s like America in its benevolence and mercy smothered the world in seven secret herbs and spices. That would explain global warming—how else are we supposed to get that crunchy golden brown exterior? America is a nation of innovation. Henry Ford gave us the assembly line and Ronald McDonald showed us how to use that innovation in a way that actually mattered. Building cars at break neck speed is nice, but I ordered mine with no tomatoes or onions thank you. You’re welcome world.

What are some other fun expatriate fast food restaurant names that you can think of? I personally think “Yo-Goa-gurt Deserts” is pretty fantastic. Think up a name or mascot and leave a comment. The best entry will get a prize (probably just me calling you up and laughing really loud).